Why I Hate Being Engaged
Dear Blog World,
I'm engaged (if you didn't already know!). And it's the worst. Why, you ask? Because of physical boundaries and the fight for purity.
Yep, I said it. And you know it's true. It's the taboo subject many Christians dance around, especially Christian women. We don't want other people knowing that we desire to have sex. We desire to be physically intimate with the one that we love.
Phillip and I are champs at trying every method to remain pure in our relationship. From our very first date we decided that we didn't want to kiss until we were at least engaged. And honestly, I can say that we didn't kiss until about 4-5 months into our relationship. And after that we didn't let that be a new standard because we wanted to wait until we were engaged. But once we opened that door it was super tough and any time we "messed up" and kissed each other we felt guilty and ashamed and like we were failures. Not because kissing was bad, but because we had set a standard in our lives when kissing was acceptable and currently we were not in that time period. The same goes for any other physical intimacy - it's a natural desire but not the right time currently. And we have messed up many times.
I heard a relationship talk last summer where a couple were talking about how your dating/any relationships prior to marriage greatly affects your marriage. The woman talked about how into their marriage, any time they had sex, kissed, etc she would feel ashamed and guilty afterward. Because while they were dating she had made those connections in her mind that those things were wrong and she would naturally feel ashamed. [What she didn't count on were those feelings being carried on into her marriage.] This is one thing I have been told, that when you are married you are still you. Nothing super magical happens where you are a super awesome person who's past means nothing. And this scared me, because I don't want my marriage to be ruined by the things I've done prior to marriage.
Things that Phillip and I have learned about setting ourselves up for failure:
1. Sitting on the couch together, alone (in any sense of the word), is setting ourselves up for failure.
2.Hanging out late at night or any time when we are tired will result in snuggling and failure.
3. Kissing beyond just one kiss is the road to a make-out session, etc.
4. Kissing sitting sitting down = no no.
5. Talking about sex is a form of redirection and stirs up inappropriate emotions.
6. Touching each other any place other than hands, arms, and waist is not helpful.
7.We don't kiss after 9 pm as a standard.
The number one thing that Phillip and I have both said that has been the biggest aid to our fight for purity is: Being honest with ourselves and with each other. Constantly re-evaluating what is working, how things are going, and not being afraid to hurt each other's feelings if one or both of us feels uncomfortable with something.
What I have learned the most from being in a relationship is that I am a huge failure without Jesus. I can set up boundaries in my relationship, but if I am not utterly dependent on Jesus to be my strength during this time then I will ALWAYS mess up (it's a proven formula).
God is love and the more you love God the more you desire intimacy with Him. The same goes with your relationship with your future spouse - you love them more and more every day, so you desire to be more intimate with them more and more every day. It is NOT wrong. You are not a bad person for having those feelings. It's completely natural, but you just have to remind yourself that it's just not the right time for you to become more intimate with them.
Phillip phrased this time period of being engaged the best: It's like you are living in a candy store but can't buy/have anything.
Marriage is the currency to achieving intimacy. When you accepted Jesus into your heart, you married the God and now are able to have full access to Him. It was a huge sacrifice to give up your life for a life with Jesus, but the sacrifice was well worth the full access to the Kingdom.
I have learned more about God's unconditional love from being in a relationship with Phillip than I ever could have imagined. And it's really hard not to have sex. It's really hard. But you know what? I'm a daughter of God and God desires the best for His children. Sex is God's gift in marriage, so if God gives the best gifts than I am going to have the best sex when I'm married. Christians SHOULD have the best sex.
The enemy hates me. And he especially hates me even more now that I'm getting married because he understands the amazing correlation between Christians' marriage and our marriage to Jesus. He knows that when Phillip and I unite in a Godly marriage, we are going to be more powerful to further God's kingdom together than we were apart - and he wants to do everything in his power to make us have the worst possible marriage. But Jesus loves us and is for us - I imagine that when they pronounce us "Husband and Wife", God, Jesus, and the HS will do a fist pump in the air in celebration.
I'm engaged (if you didn't already know!). And it's the worst. Why, you ask? Because of physical boundaries and the fight for purity.
Yep, I said it. And you know it's true. It's the taboo subject many Christians dance around, especially Christian women. We don't want other people knowing that we desire to have sex. We desire to be physically intimate with the one that we love.
Phillip and I are champs at trying every method to remain pure in our relationship. From our very first date we decided that we didn't want to kiss until we were at least engaged. And honestly, I can say that we didn't kiss until about 4-5 months into our relationship. And after that we didn't let that be a new standard because we wanted to wait until we were engaged. But once we opened that door it was super tough and any time we "messed up" and kissed each other we felt guilty and ashamed and like we were failures. Not because kissing was bad, but because we had set a standard in our lives when kissing was acceptable and currently we were not in that time period. The same goes for any other physical intimacy - it's a natural desire but not the right time currently. And we have messed up many times.
I heard a relationship talk last summer where a couple were talking about how your dating/any relationships prior to marriage greatly affects your marriage. The woman talked about how into their marriage, any time they had sex, kissed, etc she would feel ashamed and guilty afterward. Because while they were dating she had made those connections in her mind that those things were wrong and she would naturally feel ashamed. [What she didn't count on were those feelings being carried on into her marriage.] This is one thing I have been told, that when you are married you are still you. Nothing super magical happens where you are a super awesome person who's past means nothing. And this scared me, because I don't want my marriage to be ruined by the things I've done prior to marriage.
Things that Phillip and I have learned about setting ourselves up for failure:
1. Sitting on the couch together, alone (in any sense of the word), is setting ourselves up for failure.
2.Hanging out late at night or any time when we are tired will result in snuggling and failure.
3. Kissing beyond just one kiss is the road to a make-out session, etc.
4. Kissing sitting sitting down = no no.
5. Talking about sex is a form of redirection and stirs up inappropriate emotions.
6. Touching each other any place other than hands, arms, and waist is not helpful.
7.We don't kiss after 9 pm as a standard.
The number one thing that Phillip and I have both said that has been the biggest aid to our fight for purity is: Being honest with ourselves and with each other. Constantly re-evaluating what is working, how things are going, and not being afraid to hurt each other's feelings if one or both of us feels uncomfortable with something.
What I have learned the most from being in a relationship is that I am a huge failure without Jesus. I can set up boundaries in my relationship, but if I am not utterly dependent on Jesus to be my strength during this time then I will ALWAYS mess up (it's a proven formula).
God is love and the more you love God the more you desire intimacy with Him. The same goes with your relationship with your future spouse - you love them more and more every day, so you desire to be more intimate with them more and more every day. It is NOT wrong. You are not a bad person for having those feelings. It's completely natural, but you just have to remind yourself that it's just not the right time for you to become more intimate with them.
Phillip phrased this time period of being engaged the best: It's like you are living in a candy store but can't buy/have anything.
Marriage is the currency to achieving intimacy. When you accepted Jesus into your heart, you married the God and now are able to have full access to Him. It was a huge sacrifice to give up your life for a life with Jesus, but the sacrifice was well worth the full access to the Kingdom.
I have learned more about God's unconditional love from being in a relationship with Phillip than I ever could have imagined. And it's really hard not to have sex. It's really hard. But you know what? I'm a daughter of God and God desires the best for His children. Sex is God's gift in marriage, so if God gives the best gifts than I am going to have the best sex when I'm married. Christians SHOULD have the best sex.
"He who pursues righteousness and love finds life, prosperity, and honor"
- Proverbs 21:21
This was a great post! Paul and I have struggled through the same things. Appreciate the honesty and the fight for purity!
ReplyDeleteSo proud of you two! I remember so well how you feel, and all I can say is that it is SO worth waiting for and you will be extremely blessed the rest of your life by your decisions now to save yourselves for marriage. I know it is ridiculously difficult to wait but you will forever be grateful you did. Being honest with eachother and the people around you is an amazing tool to help you stay strong. You're doing a great job! Keep fighting for purity! Love you both!
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