Braving Mamahood

When I left my job teaching last November I was excited to step into my next season as a stay at home mom.  I had grand plans! We were going to go to story times at the library, picnics at the park, my house would stay clean, and there would be yummy meals on the table each night.  After I caught up on TV shows and we went to the library and parks a few times, I began to sink into the mundane of each day and it became a prison sentence for me. What is worse is that I knew mothers who were rocking the stay at home mom life and I knew many who wish they could stay at home, so why was I failing? I didn't want to complain about being a stay at home mom because so many view it as a dream job or not really a job at all. Let me set the record straight: it is the hardest job. I promise. For someone like me who has struggled with postpartum depression, being a stay at home mom is the perfect recipe for depression . We are isolated, lonely, unappreciated, purp...

In high school my teachers (!) thought I was wasting my intelligence going into the teaching field. I'm sure they would be even more upset that I am now a stay at home mom.  Side note: I like to call it "work at home mom" because that sounds more accurate.  I've been struggling lately with my choice to leave the outside workforce.  I love teaching.  I love being able to partner with my husband in providing financially for our family.  I love chopping down our debts in pursuit of financial freedom.  But - I love my girl.  About once a month I start to feel the overwhelming need to look at potential jobs and dream about all the things we could do with my extra income. Then I think about the costs involved to my family and I stop dreaming.  But why can't I have it all?! Why can't I be super-wife, super-mom, and a super-teacher?  If you were to read the entries in my prayer journal from the past couple of months you would see ...

A few months ago my husband came home from a late night meeting to find me on the couch, cookies in my lap, and weeping.  Naturally he did what any smart man does and sat down with me in cautious silence. After a few loud weeping moments I turned to him, with my ugly crying face, and said "I resent you." He had been gone all day and then got to skip out on the bedtime madness to go to a fun gathering. So not only did he get a break all day - he got to enjoy himself at night!  Naturally the crazy cycle in my head started spinning with evil thoughts towards him and turned myself into the victim of motherhood.  I resent the fact that he can leave a room and the world not fall apart. I resent the fact that he can go to the bathroom alone, without little fingers under the door or screaming. I resent the fact that he gets a " break " from life when he leaves to go to work. I resent the fact that he can enjoy a meal without rushing, picking up thrown food, ...

Stop what you are doing .  I want you to think of 2 Moms who are better than you and 2 who are worse than you.  Did you think of them surprisingly quick? What makes them better or worse than you? Growing up I did not face too many insecurities - I knew who I was and what I was good at. But when I journeyed into motherhood I was overwhelmed with insecurities.  Where did these insecurities come from? Honestly, the opinions and advice from others. All of the sudden my life and choices were an open discussion for everyone I came in contact with.  Breastfed or bottle-fed? Co-sleeping? You LET her cry? She can't be warm enough in those clothes!  Lord.  Although I know most people who were pouring into my circumstances meant well - it was not what I needed. I didn't need someone to tell me "Oh, I know that's hard - I've been there and it gets better".  I needed someone to just tell me "Oh, I know that's hard. Tell me more" I needed som...

Motherhood is a great honor and privilege, yet it is also synonymous with servanthood. Every day women are called upon to selflessly meet the needs of their families. Whether they are awake at night nursing a baby, spending their time and money on less-than-grateful teenagers, or preparing meals, moms continuously put others before themselves. - Charles Stanley Last Fall I had been struggling with feelings of guilt and frustration over my current situation as a working mother. I would get up early, get myself ready, get Farryn up and ready for daycare, go to work, leave work way too late, come home and make dinner, then do the bedtime routine, and then work on lesson plans until my eyes couldn't stay awake. I was exhausted and miserable - which made my home miserable ( when momma ain't happy.. .). But I had worked SO hard to get my teaching degree and make something of myself in the education world. One morning on the way to work I heard a voice in my spirit ...