Leaving Stay at Home Mamahood

When I left my job teaching last November I was excited to step into my next season as a stay at home mom. 

I had grand plans! We were going to go to story times at the library, picnics at the park, my house would stay clean, and there would be yummy meals on the table each night. 

After I caught up on TV shows and we went to the library and parks a few times, I began to sink into the mundane of each day and it became a prison sentence for me.

What is worse is that I knew mothers who were rocking the stay at home mom life and I knew many who wish they could stay at home, so why was I failing?

I didn't want to complain about being a stay at home mom because so many view it as a dream job or not really a job at all. Let me set the record straight: it is the hardest job. I promise.

For someone like me who has struggled with postpartum depression, being a stay at home mom is the perfect recipe for depression. We are isolated, lonely, unappreciated, purposeless, and stuck in constant frustration. Many of the stay at home moms I have encountered in this season struggle with depression (whether they know it or not).

For me, depression manifests in anger. I am not one to wallow and not get out of bed, I can't because my family needs me. So instead I am frustrated, angry, cynical, and the littlest imperfection in my day can set me off. 

I wrestled with God about what to do - am I supposed to put my hands to the plow of staying at home or am I supposed to step out and seek outside employment?

So I applied to many different types of jobs: from home, part-time, full time, etc. I got many great offers but they either didn't feel right or didn't work out. So I continued to wrestle with the day to day frustration. I missed teaching but was afraid of going back into the classroom - what if I couldn't balance life again? What if I had to leave again?

I thrive in routines and love straight paths. Leaving my job in November was not routine and not a straight path. Seeking to jump back into teaching was not a straight path for me. But something I have learned in this season - walking with God isn't a straight path, not when you are following His voice. 

I think sometimes He makes a do things that don't make sense or are unlike us in order to see if we are listening and following His directions. 

I was living in the fears of "what if" instead of stepping out in faith. God reminded me that I've walked through the awkward decision to leave my job for the health of my family, so I've overcome that fear. 

So I'm headed back into the classroom in a few weeks and my sweet girl is headed to preschool. It is bittersweet - but I truly believe that my mental health and happiness determines peace in my household. 

So I'm following His direction, peace by peace.