Braving Mamahood

I am not good at sitting down. I struggle with feeling the need to be productive at all times or else my worth might be undermined. I have a constant need to be three steps ahead and completely prepared for what is next. So here I am, sitting in hospital bed, in a room I’ve been living in for 2 weeks. I have felt the sun once since being here. The most productive thing I have done while living here is getting our taxes done – because I love all things spreadsheets 🙂 When I found out three weeks ago that I would be living in the hospital until our sweet Waverleigh arrived, I was devastated. I didn’t have my lesson plans all prepared, her room wasn’t ready, and I didn’t feel like I had had enough special times with Farryn yet before a new family member entered our home. The first day I checked in I didn’t get to tell Phillip and Farryn goodbye because they rushed them out of the room. Farryn had just tested positive for the flu. My sweet baby and precious husband were...

A couple of years ago I was in a circle of friends with a mom who always seemed angry. When trying to have conversations with her, her words were pleasant but it always seemed as if I was annoying her with my friendship.  Fast forward a few years and now I understand why she was like that...she was tired. When people tell you about having kids you hear all about the sleepless nights when they are infants and you think "I can deal with that, for a little while!".  Then you have a child and get through their infant stage, their teething season, their separation anxiety weeks, their realizing they can sit up but can't sit down weeks, their learning how to crawl out of the crib weeks, .... and then one day you realize that it never really end s. And you are so so so tired. Not just physically, but emotionally and mentally.  Recently my daughter has started to ask " Why ?" after EVERY -single-thing I say. By 8:00 AM I am at the breaking point...if I hear ...

I am not an expert in motherhood or in handling behaviors - but this is a set of ramblings of what I have learned being a teacher and as a new mom.  In my years of teaching I have seen many different parenting styles and the effects those styles have on the children. I have seen the the 5 year old who is still wearing a diaper and walking around with a paci in their mouth because Mom doesn't want to "hurt their feelings" and change things. I have heard SO many times "My kid only eats _____". Ugh. I made a silent vow to myself early on in motherhood that I would not be the "chicken nugget mom" . As in, we go to Thanksgiving and bring our kids chicken nuggets to eat because "they won't eat anything else".  This may seem silly to you - but it is really not about the chicken nuggets. It's about the mindset of teaching our children to acclimate to their surroundings, be brave enough to try new things, and be grateful for what is on...

When I left my job teaching last November I was excited to step into my next season as a stay at home mom.  I had grand plans! We were going to go to story times at the library, picnics at the park, my house would stay clean, and there would be yummy meals on the table each night.  After I caught up on TV shows and we went to the library and parks a few times, I began to sink into the mundane of each day and it became a prison sentence for me. What is worse is that I knew mothers who were rocking the stay at home mom life and I knew many who wish they could stay at home, so why was I failing? I didn't want to complain about being a stay at home mom because so many view it as a dream job or not really a job at all. Let me set the record straight: it is the hardest job. I promise. For someone like me who has struggled with postpartum depression, being a stay at home mom is the perfect recipe for depression . We are isolated, lonely, unappreciated, purp...

In high school my teachers (!) thought I was wasting my intelligence going into the teaching field. I'm sure they would be even more upset that I am now a stay at home mom.  Side note: I like to call it "work at home mom" because that sounds more accurate.  I've been struggling lately with my choice to leave the outside workforce.  I love teaching.  I love being able to partner with my husband in providing financially for our family.  I love chopping down our debts in pursuit of financial freedom.  But - I love my girl.  About once a month I start to feel the overwhelming need to look at potential jobs and dream about all the things we could do with my extra income. Then I think about the costs involved to my family and I stop dreaming.  But why can't I have it all?! Why can't I be super-wife, super-mom, and a super-teacher?  If you were to read the entries in my prayer journal from the past couple of months you would see ...

A few months ago my husband came home from a late night meeting to find me on the couch, cookies in my lap, and weeping.  Naturally he did what any smart man does and sat down with me in cautious silence. After a few loud weeping moments I turned to him, with my ugly crying face, and said "I resent you." He had been gone all day and then got to skip out on the bedtime madness to go to a fun gathering. So not only did he get a break all day - he got to enjoy himself at night!  Naturally the crazy cycle in my head started spinning with evil thoughts towards him and turned myself into the victim of motherhood.  I resent the fact that he can leave a room and the world not fall apart. I resent the fact that he can go to the bathroom alone, without little fingers under the door or screaming. I resent the fact that he gets a " break " from life when he leaves to go to work. I resent the fact that he can enjoy a meal without rushing, picking up thrown food, ...